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I like the way that you have begun with an abstract theme, and intend to use the model-building exercise as a vehicle for illustration. The potential problem is that comparison of approaches to concurrency is a rather broad and challenging topic. In your discussion of CSP and Java as they might relate to LSD/ADM, there is a danger of overlooking fundamental issues of ontology - it's not clear that we are comparing like with like (and indeed a key part of the message of EM is that we're not!). One of the best places to read more about this is in later references to LSD by Slade, Norris and myself (1988 - early 90s), and in Rungrattanaubol's thesis (Chapter 5), where - for instance - there is a comparative study relating to the famous choc machine (beloved of the CSP school). The relationship between concurrent systems modelling and concurrent programming is a key part of the issue here.

Your modelling study is ambitious, and would probably merit more than 50% of the credit if carried through in detail. Cameos of the model-building activity with critical reflection directed towards your 'comparison of different approaches' concept would fit in well with your theme, though it would not be easy! In tackling this, I think you would find it useful to think around the later LSD/ADM papers I've mentioned and see to what extent you can confirm / refine the perspective that they promote.